Top 7 Most Badass Sharks

I can't post anything about finance like Craig requested, I just can't. I can post all day about sharks though. For you enlightenment, the 7 most badass sharks....

#7: This Shark

Two thoughts:
1) I'm pretty certain that happened at Crystal Beach
2) That shark probably got a bit of a crystal meth high after that bite.

#6: The Mako Shark

Makos can swim up to 40 mph, or twice as fast as our old Jet Skis. BTW, how are the Assads still talking to us after Dad swindled them into buying those Jet Skis? I'm pretty sure those things were like 3 hours away from sinking or spontaneously combusting at that point. I blame it on Lake Somerville water. I remember I would stand in about two inches of water and I could not see my toes. Too much cow shit and agrochemicals. That place should be condemned.

#5 The Tiger Shark

Much like Japanese people, the Tiger Shark will eat anything in the sea. Sea Turtles, dolphins, whatever, its dinner to the Tiger Shark. One thing Tiger Sharks won't eat: green beans. Those are disgusting.

#4 The Oceanic White Tip

Shark experts always say that no shark actively hunts humans. Bullshit. The Oceanic White Ship patrols the open ocean, just waiting for a plane crash or drunk Italian cruise ship captain to plunk some tasty tourists into the ocean. In 1945, the American cruiser the USS Indianapolis got torpedoed in the South Pacific, and these hellish Al-Queda sharks ate like 500 sailors. There are very few things to eat out in the blue desert, so they will eat anything that moves. Think about that on your next transoceanic flight.

#3 The Bull Shark

Short, stout, violent, and having more testosterone than any other animial, the bull shark is basically like the Chase Jones of sharks. There are a ton of them in the Gulf, and they are responsible for most of the shark attacks in the U.S. What makes them really scary is that they can live in fresh water, and they find their way into all sorts or fresh water bodies of water. One even was caught near St. Louis. If one ever found its way into Lake Somerville, it would mutate in the green, oozing waters and turn into some sort of supervillian that Batman would have to fight.

#2 The Great White Shark

The good news: Great Whites Sharks don't really hunt people. Most GWS attacks are due to mistaken identity.

The bad news: If I see something in my fridge thats edibility status is ambiguous, I usually poke it or smell it first. The Great White does the same thing, except instead of poke and smell its food, it swims into it at 30 mph, bites it, and thrashes it around. Seems rational. Unfortunately the human body is not designed to take 30 mph tooth punches from a 16 foot, 3,000 pound animal. So that is why it takes down more people than any other species of shark. It has no natural predators, and only one other shark has been known to kill it. Not for food, mind you, but seemingly for fun. Speaking of which.....

#1 The Orca aka The Killer Whale

Some people, like Sea World losers and "scientists" will tell you that the killer whale is technically not a shark. But if you have been known to kill Great Whites and the Sperm Whale, the largest predator on earth that eats Giant Squid for breakfast, you qualify as a shark in my book. Fortunately, the planet's apex predator is confined to oceans and theme parks. Or is it?